So Smart It Gets the Vowels For Free!

I am unveiling a breakthrough personal research project that holds the potential to infuse business and societal systems with unprecedented levels of intelligence: a new computing system that will compete with people at the game of Wheel of Fortune!

Explanation: As soon as I saw that IBM was planning on creating a Jeopardy! computer, I knew they were taking the easy road on this grand challenge-scale problem. Everyone knows Wheel of Fortune is where the big intelligence is at. My computing system will be able to derive words from complex puzzles with perplexing clues like "Before & After" and "Famous Person". In an effort to find suitable opposition for our computing system, we are currently in talks with some of the great Wheel champions of the past, like Mindy Holtzman, the homemaker from Des Moines, who raked in $12,000 and a trip to Hawaii.

We have thought out every detail of this project, right down to the 3.5 foot maximum height requirement, designed to make Pat Sajak look tall. Let the competition commence!

Special Readership Question: Would Double Dare have been funnier?

Skynet, Brought to You by IBM

Give me a place to sit (and enough Mountain Dew and pretzels) and I shall code the world!

Source: This is based on the quote attributed to Archimedes, who, upon discovering the simple lever, proclaimed "Give me a place to stand and I will move the Earth!"

Explanation: I saw an article on IBM's Kittyhawk project, where their goal is to explore the creation of "a global-scale shared computer capable of hosting the entire Internet as an application". Interestingly, every online discussion I could find about it involved the world "Skynet".* Anyway, I figure we can take it a step further and just run the whole Earth on it. I just need a place to sit...

Special Blog Bonus: I feel obligated to inform everyone that Busted Tees is having a one-day sale today. I'm seriously considering getting a Vandelay Industries shirt.

*By the way, if you feel so inclined, a YouTube search for "Terminator 2 nuclear explosion" will give you an excellent (and disturbing) glimpse into Skynet's capabilities.