Filling the Polictical Void

Isn't it about time for the 2012 primaries to start?

Explanation: By my calculations, the 2008 primaries (Democratic, in particular) lasted longer than Christmas season at a Hallmark store. Therefore, given the trend, shouldn't the primaries be starting right about now? I guess the Republicans should have a bit more urgency, given that the Democrats already seem to have a candidate. Where are the candidates? Where are the debates? Where are the town hall meetings? I don't know what to do!!!

The Results Are In!

On this day 53 years ago, Dr. Emmett Brown conceived the flux capacitor.

Source: Of course, this is an important fact from Back to the Future. Plus, it's on Wikipedia so you know it's true.

Explanation: Yes, that's right. The secret to time travel arrived in the mind of the greatest inventor the world has ever seen when he slipped and hit his head on the sink while standing on the toilet to hang a clock. It just goes to show you that most brilliant thoughts do indeed come while in the bathroom.

Election Results: At this point you may be asking, "Seriously? A presidential election yesterday and you're talking about fictional inventions?" Well, you're right - there was a historic election yesterday, and here are the results:

Barack Obama: 4
John McCain: 0
Anyone but Bush: 1
Joe the Plumber: 1
Hillary: 1
Pat Buchanon: 134
Tina Fey: 3
Margin of Error: plus or minus 117%

Thank you all for voting. Your vote mattered and it really made a difference.

Rock the Vote!

Was it wrong of me to take my political party up on their offer to drive me to the polls?

Explanation: I was originally unsure about registering for a political party, but since I have it has been wonderful. Yesterday they called me to remind me to vote today and they asked if I needed a ride! Sure, we have two perfectly functioning cars, but gas is expensive these days and I know these politicians have more money than they know what to do with. So, I'm getting chauffer service to vote today! I feel so special!*

Special Blog Bonus: Yes, it is finally election day, America's day of Democracy, when years and years of hard politicking culminate in one Senator (who doesn't really work as a Senator anymore) defeating another Senator (who doesn't really work as a Senator anymore) by a slim margin because elderly folks in Palm Beach County, Florida accidentally vote for Pat Buchanon. Today is the vision the framers of our great Union had in mind when they drafted our Constitution so many years ago.

In honor of today's day of voting, we at Jeremy's Status Message are taking the political pulse of America by having a poll of our own! Check it out on the right. Vote early and vote often!

*I did not actually take them up on the offer. Although, this does encourage a devious plan of registering for the other party and taking them up on any offer I can that drains their finances and keeps those who are truly in the party from getting the attention they deserve.

Primary Elections

Remember, you can only vote for candidates today who are sunburned, choking, or chicken. Please steer clear of that girl Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, any bodybuilder with that nasty spray-on tan stuff, and any and all environmentalists.

Explanation: See, it's a primary election. You have to vote for red, blue, or yellow candidates. If it were a secondary election, you could vote for Violet (purple), bodybuilders (orange), and environmentalists (green).

More candidates you can vote for:

• Spiderman
• Superman
• Any Smurf
• The Tick
• The Sun (but not during sunrise or sunset)
• Dr. Zoidberg
• Kool-Aid Man
• This guy
• Or maybe this guy

More candidates you cannot vote for:

• Garfield
• Any Minnesota Viking
• Celery
• The Green Giant
• The Green Lantern
• Otto
• Any Oompa Loompa
• Barney the Dinosaur
• The elephant from my subconscious

This has been a public service message provided by Jeremy's Status Message.

Getting Some Politics Off the Books

From the archives:

I support Jeb Bush's 2013 invasion of Iraq.

Explanation: See, back in 2004, I wrote this status message the day after George W. Bush defeated John Kerry to win a second term in office. I thought it was clever, because George H. W. Bush had invaded Iraq back in the 1991, and then George W. Bush invaded Iraq in 2003, so I just felt like it was destiny that Jeb Bush would be elected president in the future and invade Iraq, 'cause that's what the Bushes do.

You may wonder why I'm running this message today. The reason is simple: I'm trying to rerun all of my old status messages and this one is getting less funny by the minute. We invaded Iraq in 2003. It's now 2008. We're still there. So, I'm sure you don't think it's particularly funny today, but just think about how unfunny it'll be when we're still in Iraq next month, or even next year. I'm doing you a favor by running this message now. You'll thank me later.

On the bright side, I went on my first date with my wife two days after writing this status message. That was pretty cool.

Pay Attention People!

Look at you, just sitting in front of your computer. The current Homeland Security Terror Alert status is "Elevated," or yellow! There is a significant risk of terrorist attack!!! Are you prepared? ARE YOU???

Explanation: We at Jeremy's Status Message consider it our civic duty to remind you, our valued readers that you should not forget about terrorism. It's still out there. It could be lurking around the next corner you see. BOO! OK, that was just us testing you, but it could have been terrorism. You cannot take your freedom for granted.* As advised by the United States government and the Department of Homeland Security, we encourage you to take the following steps to thwart terrorism:

• Vote against terrorism. That's right. Are you anti-terrorist? Are you pro-America? Then make your voice heard! Get out there this November and cast your vote against terrorism! If you don't, the terrorists may have already won.
• Do everything in your power to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil. Help the American government find new sources of oil! Dig holes in your backyard to find your own!** The only way we can reduce our dependence on foreign oil is to find our own oil right here in the United States of America. IT'S THE ONLY WAY, PEOPLE!!!
• Be patient while waiting in line at airport security. It is a well known fact that terrorists only utilize methods that have been used in the past by other terrorists. Therefore we ask that you do your duty as an American by taking off your belt and shoes and surrendering your shampoo. Your hair will lose body and volume, but democracy will prevail!
• Learn the terrorism threat advisory levels. Sure, you may be familiar, or even eerily comfortable with yellow ("Elevated"), orange ("High") and red ("Severe"), but did you the chart also comes in blue, for "Guarded", and green, for "Low"? Sure, achieving one of those levels would obviate the very department that established them, but it's something that all Americans should dutifully aspire to. Also, be on the lookout for exciting new levels, like hot pink ("Duck!"), strobing red/blue ("Get out of the way!"), and the always terrifying nuclear winter white ("Oh dear Lord, you're hunting with Dick Cheney!!!").

Special Blog Bonus: As a convenience to readers Jeremy's Status Message is providing you with the current terror alert status. Come back and check this post to see changes in the terror alert status. We recommend you check three to five times a day for starters, then more as you get more comfortable with that schedule. The current terror alert status is:



*In accordance to the Patriot Act, article 7, paragraph 12, the federal government is now allowed to take your freedom, just not for granted.
**While you're digging, can you please let us know if you find Osama Bin Laden? We found Saddam in a hole, so it's not too much of a stretch.