What Goes U Must Come D

If that football game were an emoticon, it would be colon capital D.

Source: This is blatantly ripped off from The Big Bang Theory, still one of the best written shows on television (in my humble opinion).

Explanation: The ninth-ranked University of Miami came to Blacksburg this weekend for a game against eleventh-ranked Virginia Tech in which Miami was somehow the overwhelming favorite. At the end of the day, the 'Canes walked out of Lane Stadium having been beaten down, 31-7. Now the Hokies, with only a loss to Alabama, are ranked #6. You can say that we are rivals with this school and that school, but few things feel better than beating Miami.

:D

L-O-S-... Oh Wait, We Won!

Even though the offense barely did anything at all, a win is a win, not matter how small.

Source: This is from the Dr. Seuss classic, Tyrod Throws a Touchdown. OK, maybe it was about an elephant. My memory isn't so great on Monday mornings.

Explanation: Having been completely and totally beaten in Saturday's game against Nebraska, Virginia Tech somehow managed an 88-yard scoring drive in the last two minutes of play, thanks to a very mobile quarterback and a terribly blown coverage assignment by Nebraska's secondary. I was listening to the game online, compliments of Nebraska's radio team, and it pained me to hear how broken up they were over the small lapse that led to their loss. Of course, I'm over that now, as the #11 Hokies are 2-1 and host yet another ranked opponent next weekend as #9 Miami comes to town.

Have You Heard?

VT vs. Alabama, Tomorrow at 8 on ABC!

Explanation: Hey, have I mentioned that the Virginia Tech football season starts tomorrow at 8? It does. Go Hokies!

S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G-1-0-1

H-O-K-I-E-S Hokies!!!

Explanation: Football season is here! #7 VT plays #5 Alabama on Saturday to kick off the college football season! Woo-hoo!

Fear not, Americans, for Saturday night, we dine IN GEORGIA!!!!

Football is Back!

So long baseball. Football is back!

Explanation: Are you sick of baseball highlights on Sportscenter? Me too! I can only watch so many different varieties of "shortstop throwing to first" on Top Plays before I long for something bigger. Something better. FOOTBALL!

And what better way to kick off the football season than VT vs. Alabama this Saturday? None that I can think of.

The Sports Vacuum is Ending

Is it Saturday yet? Go Hokies!

Explanation: Finally, the summer long drought of professional sport has ended. Since the NBA season ended back in early June, our poor country has had no professional sporting events to enjoy until now! That's right - Ohio State football is back! As for the amateur teams, check out VT vs. Alabama on Saturday.

Five Days And Counting

The college football countdown is on!

Explanation: The Virginia Tech football season starts in five days when #7 VT opens the season against #5 Alabama. The countdown is on!

Unretired!

A public statement in response to all of the media inquiries: I have decided to remain unretired. Thank you.

Explanation: There have been numerous inquiries of late into my employment status. I've had John Clayton and Ed Werder camped out on my front lawn in the ESPN truck for three or four months now. Numerous retirement communities have expressed an interest, including Del Boca Vista Condominiums, the Oakland Raiders and the National League. I appreciate the interest, but after taking some time to evaluate my status, I have decided to remain unretired. I hope the indecision of the past months has not tarnished my image in anyway, and I thank you once again for your interest.

A footballer claimed ‘I am a slave’ but to us he is the world richest slave

This remark made by none other than the world’s most expensive player, Cristiano Ronaldo last summer. Well, if earning £120,000 a week was considered a ‘slave’, how about those earned just enough to cover his basis needs? Ronaldo’s rant has eventually got him what he wants, a multi-million move from Manchester United to Real Madrid this summer. Real are ready to pay a staggering £80million to

Biggest Hyperbole Ever!!!

Best Super Bowl EVER! (Super Bowl's I-XLII not included)

Explanation: As you most likely know, last night's Super Bowl XLIII turned out to be a very good game with a very exciting finish. Of course, if you were rooting for the Cardinals like I was, you were a little bummed out, but you'll get over it.

This morning on Sportscenter, the game was hailed as (perhaps) one of the greatest Super Bowls ever! The final touchdown catch by Santonio Holmes was listed on their top Super Bowl plays of all time as number one. Yes, the number one play of all time, beating out Lynn Swann's spectacular sideline grab, beating out Adam Vinatieri's last second field goal, beating out the Rams' tackle of Kevin Dyson on the one-yard line, and, of course, beating the Helmet Catch (capital H, capital C) from last year, which came in at number two.

Now, I know it's the job of the sports media to hype the heck out of any current events and present them with enough hyperbole to sucker the general public into thinking they need to be involved in something as historically significant as what the network is showing, but come on! Last year's game was SO much better than this. LAST YEAR! Do they think the general public is that stupid? It was last year! An undefeated team was dethroned by an underdog at the very end of the game after one of the most spectacular and highly improbable plays anyone has ever seen. And it was last year!

Jeez. We're not that dumb. Frankly, I think it might have been a better move to publicize it as the first Super Bowl during the Obama administration. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm going to go buy an Obama Bowl I commemorative plate while supplies last...

Enjoying It While It Lasts

Best. Football. Week. Ever.

Explanation: The best football week ever was comprised of four games, starting last Sunday and ending yesterday:


12/28/08: Philadelphia Eagles 44, Dallas Cowboys 6
An underachieving Eagles team that was 5-5-1 with 5 games left in the season went 3-1 in their next 4 games and had the stars align (Oakland defeated Tampa Bay and Chicago lost) in the last week so that their game against the hated Cowboys and the even more reviled Terrell Owens amounted to a "Win and you're in" scenario. The Eagles delivered, annihilating the loathsome Cowboys. It's always fun watching a Jerry Jones team get destroyed.


12/31/08: Vanderbilt 16, Boston College 14
If you missed the coverage of this game, allow me to sum it up for you:

• Vanderbilt was in their first bowl game in 26 years.
• Matt Ryan, now with the Atlanta Falcons, played at Boston College last year.

There was actually also football played, but you'd have never known from the television coverage. My wife's alma mater started their regular season 5-0, only to finish 6-6. Still, the six wins was enough to get them in a bowl game, where they knocked off the #24 ranked Matt Ryans in an exciting game. There was much joy in our household and we will savor this victory, as Vanderbilt is not scheduled to win another bowl game until 2065.


1/1/09: Virginia Tech 20, Cincinnati 6
A rebuilding Hokies team that I had zero confidence in this year somehow managed to win a four-way tiebreak in the ACC Coastal division with an 8-4 record, beat the aforementioned Matt Ryans in a rematch of last year's ACC Championship, and then won the team's first Orange Bowl by dominating #12 ranked Cincinnati. As Virginia Tech is actually incapable of scoring when in the red zone, the score does not quite reflect how convincing a win it was, but just trust me - I was convinced.


1/3/09: Philadelphia Eagles 26, Minnesota Vikings 14
The same underachieving Eagles team won a playoff wildcard game on the road last night, setting up a rematch with the hated Giants (yeah, Philly fans apparently don't like anyone) next week at the Meadowlands. I will not jinx the team by saying anything further.


A SPECIAL NOTE TO ALL YOU FACEBOOK JUNKIES OUT THERE: As I have recently joined Facebook due to an interesting series of events, I have decided to extend Jeremy's Status Message to Facebook. As you can see, I've been updating my work status on this blog for almost two years, and for several years before that (just trust me on that fact). If you are at all amused by this blog, I am glad and you can stop reading this post now. If you are not, then I don't mind. Your status message is stupid anyway.

Bowling Season

How exactly did Virginia Tech get into the Orange Bowl?

Explanation: This weekend, Virginia Tech won the ACC Championship game and therefore earned their ticket to the FedEx Orange Bowl on January 1st. And there I was, in front of the television, wondering how on earth this happened.

There have been many a season when I watched every Virginia Tech football game and rooted the team on, knowing that it was their year and with a few lucky breaks they could get to a BCS bowl game. I sat on the edge of my seat, jumped and cheered, got punched repeatedly in the stomach, and sometimes, in the luckiest of years, Tech made it to a big game.

This year, I just didn't have that kind of energy. It's not that I don't like the team, it's that this was a rebuilding year. The team lost way too much talent to actually compete this year. I knew that. I had very low expectations. Except a funny thing kept happening. As much as my team stunk, other teams managed to keep us in the hunt. Going into a big game at Miami, Tech held their fate in their own hands. Win out and get to the big game. They responded as they have all year, losing the game by the slimmest of margins, 16-14, because the offense just couldn't do anything late in the game. Miami was then kind enough to go out and lose the next week, sending the ACC into complete chaos. If Tech won out, they would (at the very worst) win a 4-way tiebreak. And Tech managed to win out, eeking out wins over Duke (14-3) and UVA (17-14). Go tiebreak!

Anyway, as I mentioned, Tech somehow managed to beat Boston College handily in the fourth game the two teams have played in the past 2 years and now they advance to the Orange Bowl to play Cincinnati - the only BCS team I think they have a chance at beating. This stinks. Now I have hope again.

We'll see how I'm doing on January 2nd.

Time Keeps on Slippin'

"Time continues to skip forward randomly, details at 11." (time jump) "This is the news at 11. The mysterious and unexplained…" (time jump) "Turning to entertainment news: Teen singer 'Wendy' might just be the lates…" (time jump) "…won 3 Grammy's last nigh." (time jump) "…was found dead. In her bathtub."

Source: This is a news segment from the Time Keeps on Slippin' episode of Futurama.

Explanation: I TiVoed the Virginia Tech football game last night and started watching it this morning. (At this point I have only seen the first half, so please don't talk to me about it.) Something is flaky about my TiVo, or maybe my cable, because I kept missing little segments of the game. Even more annoyingly, the first incident happened when Maryland was attempting their first field goal. The snap was good. The hold was good. The kick was up... "...ever live without this product. It's amazing technology". I had no idea what happened. The kick was in the air and suddenly I was in a commercial. At first I thought this was an ESPN issue. Then it happened again. And again it was during a Maryland field goal attempt. Again the play started and I was suddenly in a commercial. The only way I knew the result was because the score was different when I got back from commercial. I was certain it was an ESPN issue until it happened during live play as well. At that point, I realized that I had completely missed 2 minutes of broadcast. Then I missed the last 3 minutes before halftime as well.

So, on the bright side, I expect to finish the rest of the game in about half of the normal time. Sure, I'll miss most of it, but at least I can still claim that I went cannon to cannon.

By the way, if you're wondering, "cannon to cannon" is my Virginia Tech football motto. Tech fires off a cannon at the start of the game and at the end of the game. (And for scores in between, but that's not pertinent to my motto.) I watch games cannon to cannon. Start to finish. If we are winning in a blowout, I go cannon to cannon and enjoy every moment of it. If we lose in a blowout, I still sit tight until the final cannon and endure the pain.

I believe the only exception I've ever made to this rule was when my parents came to join me at a VT vs. Akron game in October of 1995. It was absolutely pouring rain on a typically cold fall day in Blacksburg. We left after the third quarter, when Tech's band was substituted into the game for the third string players. Tech went on to win the game 77-27. I would have stayed for the whole thing, except I left in deference to my parents, who were a bit soggier than they were used to being. It only seemed appropriate, seeing as they were paying for me to be there in the first place.

Hokie Hokie Hokie... Sigh

How can a team with no running game and no passing game score 23 points?

Explanation: I sat down in front of the Virginia Tech game at Boston College this weekend with minimal expectations. Regardless of Tech's 5-1 record, this is a rebuilding year. I don't know how good Boston College is, but I know Tech has a history of tough games against them, especially in Chestnut Hill.

I've spent many years watching my Hokies play, and I am generally pretty emotionally vested in their games... but not this year. On Boston College's first passing play of the game, Tech intercepted the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. Then B.C. fumbled the ensuing kickoff return. With 13:00 to go in the first quarter, the Tech offense took the field for the first time on the B.C. 30 yard line with a 7-0 lead. In past seasons, I would have been jumping up and down and cheering and laughing and loving life. This season, however, I just sat there on the couch, knowing that this game was far from over. The inept Tech offense took the field, went three and out, and settled for a field goal to make the score 10-0.

As the game went on, the pain continued. Tech has no passing game. The passing highlight of the day was a bomb to a wide open freshman receiver (they're all freshmen) that went through his hands and bounced off his face. The running game was nonexistant. Our best play is where Tyrod Taylor drops back to pass and then scrambles because none of the receivers is open. Our second best play is where Taylor drops back and then throws a bullet to a place where there isn't a receiver. Sure, it doesn't gain any yardage, but it doesn't lose any either.

B.C., meanwhile, continued to show signs of life on offense. They ran back a punt for a touchdown, partially blocked a punt, and had a few big passing plays. Tech, on the other hand, couldn't do anything on offense. The defense scored another touchdown, and generated enough field position for the offense to kick two more field goals. That's right. The defense scored 14 and the offense managed 9. If the special teams managed to score (or avoid giving up a score) Tech might have won.

With the score at 28-23 in Boston College's favor, Tech got the ball back with over a minute left. Was I on the edge of my seat? No. Was I excited? No. I just sat there, quietly curious as to what on earth we could possibly do with the ball. The answer? Run four plays without getting a first down. Game over. Go team!

Also, you might have missed it during ESPN's coverage, but former Boston College quarterback Matt Ryan was in attendance at the game.


I'm not totally sure, but I think ESPN cut to him between every play. Even Jessica Simpson doesn't get this kind of attention when she goes to Cowboys games.

Noooooo!

The one flaw with my TiVo has been exposed.

Explanation: I rarely watch Monday Night Football. Last night the Eagles were playing the Cowboys, so I made an exception. After the most exciting first half of football I've seen in a long time, it was way past my bedtime, so I set the TiVo to record the rest of the game (plus an hour, because sometimes these things run over). Then I went to bed, knowing I wouldn't miss a thing.

This morning, I woke up excitedly telling my wife about the first half of the game. I went flying downstairs to watch as much as I could of the exciting conclusion before work, only to find that my recording lasted a whopping 7 minutes. After pulling my jaw back from the floor and recovering from the shock, I realized that my internet connection had been down as well. I went outside to check things out.

Sure enough, when moving a car last night, the temporary cable line in my driveway managed to get pulled from my house right before I went to bed. The TiVo works great, but you need cable for it to work.

So, as far as I know, the Eagles won last night by 6 points. Go Philly!!!

This is Sportcenter!

NFL Fun fact: Each of the last seven times the Minnesota Vikings have lost their first game, they have failed to go undefeated in a season.

Source: I heard it on Sportscenter, so it has to be true.

Explanation: It's officially that time of year. I can care about Sportscenter again! Here are some other interesting facts I learned:

• ESPN has a jovial announcer who has funny nicknames for all sorts of players.
• The "New York Football Giants" won the Super Bowl last year, yet apparently most people think they weren't a very good team then and aren't one now.
• The new quarterback for the New York Jets actually spent some time playing for another team before joining the Jets.
• OK, that jovial announcer is getting annoying.
• Apparently there is a player on New England who may have gotten hurt on Sunday. I'll keep you posted if I hear anything more about it.
• There is a player named Adam Jones on the Cowboys who goes by the colorful nickname "Pac Man"
• OK, there's nothing jovial about him, just get him off my screen.
• It turns out that there are other football teams from places other than Dallas, New York, and New England.
• That "Dancing With the Stars" guy with the terrible grammar is an analyst for ESPN.
• Player number eighty-five has a very poor understanding of Spanish.
• Must... kill... Chris... Berman...

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's college football season!

Explanation: That's right! The college football season is underway. I have reason to watch Sportscenter again! It's time for your Jeremy's Status Message Virginia Tech Football Preview!!!

Virginia Tech Football Preview

Offense: Well, last year's ACC champions lost three wide receivers to the draft, and the fourth receiver graduated. Last year's running game was pretty weak, and the starting tailback was kicked off the team for disciplinary reasons. Oh, and two other tailbacks were injured in the spring and got a slow start this fall. The two-headed monster at quarterback is going with only one head, as Tyrod Taylor will be redshirting. Of course, last year he was going to redshirt also until the LSU game, three games into the season. So, the team has no proven weapons. The offensive line, however, should be much better this year, so that's something. Grade: C

Defense: The heart and soul of the defense last year, Xavier Adibi, Vince Hall, and Brandon Flowers, were all drafted, along with two defensive linemen. The defense was pretty deep, though, and should reload again this year, with cornerback Victor "Macho" Harris being the feature player on this side of the ball. Grade: B+

Special Teams: Frankly, I don't care if they send the band out on the field - Frank Beamer always gets and A on special teams. I don't know who's kicking or punting or returning kicks or anything. Doesn't matter. Grade: A

Intangibles: Virginia Tech has spectacular intangibles. You can't quite see them, and they're just out of your grasp, but they are there and they are incredible. You can't find better intangibles if you try. If you could measure the speed of the Virginia Tech intangibles, they'd be really fast. If you could measure the strength of the Virginia Tech intangibles, they'd be really strong. If you could measure the intangibles of the Virginia Tech intangibles, they'd be off the chart. But, you can't, so just trust me on this. They rock. Grade: A+

Language Arts: Jeremy needs to show improvement in his comprehension of poetry, and tends to lose focus while writing long blog entries. Grade: B

Mascot: Our mascot is a giant turkey who does the bench press in the end zone after touchdowns. Who else can say that? Grade: A+

Final Prediction: The team will win more games than they lose, they will cause me more stress than I need, and they will have less players arrested than LSU. Oh, and they'll go to a bowl game for the 16th season in a row.

The Late George Carlin Post

In honor of George Carlin, here are 7 words you CAN say on television: yarn, mittens, puppy, marshmallow, goldfish, happy, and waffles.

Explanation: News of George Carlin's death broke yesterday morning, and as a result, every blogger and their mother decided to post about him. Every George Carlin bit on YouTube has been seen thousands of times in the past 24 hours. Heck, you've probably seen them all, too.

Anyway, I'm jumping into the fray with a late post about a "late" guy. Everyone knows that Carlin did a bit about the seven words you can't say on television, so I decided to mention seven words that you can say. This makes my status message educational, family-friendly, and completely safe for use at work. Isn't it nice how that worked out?

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a George Carlin clip about baseball and football that you probably watched yesterday. It's still funny - watch it again.

There's Always Next Year

Did anyone happen to catch the football game last night?

Explanation: I'm so embarassed. After reminding the world to watch the Super Bowl on Friday, I missed it. I was just so enthralled by the programming on other channels last night. E! was running the 50 Most Compelling Top-50 Shows, which killed about two hours of my night. Then there was that rerun of Growing Pains where Boner and Mike do something stupid and get into trouble. You know that episode. At one point, I was pretty sure there was something on FOX that I wanted to see, but from what I saw, I figured it was just a Tom Petty concert. Talk about bad timing. Oh well. Maybe I'll watch next year. It's no big deal. I'm sure the Patriots won in a blowout, anyway.

Special Blog Bonus: Apparently, I totally missed this commercial, too:

Super Post XXII

A Public Service Announcement From Jeremy's Status Message:

In case you didn't know, I feel obligated to inform you that there will be a professional football game this weekend.

Explanation: Yes, that's right, it's Superbowl weekend! The biggest game of the year! The biggest halftime show ever! The biggest commercials of the year! The longest pregame show of the year!

Here are our fearless 100% guaranteed lock predictions for the game:

• Tom Brady will have two ankles for the game.
• You will hear the phrase "wardrobe malfunction".
• There will be a mention or two of the "meaningless" Week 17 game between the two teams.
• At least one person you're with will be very excited about the last digit of each team's score.
• It will be a hard fought battle, but the team that manages to score more points will come out victorious.
• Nobody will confuse Tom Petty for Tom Brady.
• Even if the Patriots win, the 1972 Dolphins won't shut up.
• If you turn on ESPN right now, they'll be talking about the game.
• Wes Welker will catch a short pass and then try to run out of his skin to avoid getting tackled, prompting an announcer to comment on how good he is at getting open on short routes.
• You will hear that Randy Moss is new to the Patriots this year.
• There will be at least one primate featured prominently in a commercial.
• At least one person in the stadium will take a photograph of the kickoff.
• Eli Manning's famous sibling will be mentioned during both the game and perhaps a commercial or two.
• FOX's broadcast of the game will involve robots for some strange reason.

As always, we reserve the right to update this list throughout the day.