It's An Old Software Engineer Mind Trick

I am not the software engineer you're looking for.

Explanation: You don't need to see my identification. I am not the software engineer you're looking for.

Long Commute

"I'm going to work... I'm at work!"

Source: This is what I yelled to my wife a few minutes ago. You can do that kind of thing when you telecommute.

Explanation: You see, I was going to work. Then I got there. It didn't take very long. Therein lies the humor.

Special Blog Bonus: Not funny enough? How about this LEGO scene depicting the death of Jar Jar Binks?

Hans Gruber Was a Clever Dude

You ask for miracles? I give you the F-B-I.

Source: The one and only Hans Gruber, of course.

Explanation: I was helping Hans out on a job back around Christmas of 1987 at the new Nakatomi plaza, where the Nakatomi corporation was holding their annual Christmas party. We bust into this new building with the intent of stealing the $640 million in German bearer bonds they have in their vault. We couldn't get the password from the Nakatomi executive, Joe Takagi, so Joe had to go and we started drilling the puppy instead. I got all the way through to the last layer of security: an electromagnetic lock, but thought it would take a miracle to get through it. Then the FBI takes over the crime scene, cutting the power to the building and getting us into the vault. Hans drops this gem on me when it goes down. Man, that guy was clever. Unfortunately, during our exit strategy, I was detained by a limo driver named Argyle and Hans departed the building from about 31 floors higher than he intended to. Good times!

Special Blog Bonus: And now for twelve minutes of fun. Watch as LEGO minifigs assemble the Millenium Falcon all by themselves:

Vaguely Familiar

This white stuff falling from the sky looks vaguely familiar...

Explanation: It is snowing here. Finally. The last four or five times a "wintry mix" has been in our forecast, I've endured a rainy day while listening to my family (who live a mere 40 miles away) talk about the inches and inches of snow they had. It's 40 miles. How much of a difference can 40 miles make?

And don't even get me started on the great white north that is Poughkeepsie. I think they've been under four feet of snow since November.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of snow, this is a great time to point you toward one of the best LEGO creations I've seen in a long time. I present to you, the 5x10 foot Hoth base diorama, LEGO style, complete with little LEGO foot prints in the snow:


It's cold out, but it's not quite "crawl inside the dead carcass of a tauntaun" cold. You can find more photos in this photo stream.

Nerd Squared

I'm still in court today, but I needed a new status message

"Yoda of Borg are we: Futile resistance is. Assimilate you, we will."


Source: I saw this in some guy's sig on (of course) a Linux forum. And no, the above photo is not my Photoshop handiwork.

Explanation: Anything that includes both Star Wars and Star Trek AND is funny has to be a status message. It just has to be. End of story.

Special Blog Bonus: In LEGO Borg/Yoda news:

• You have to check out this LEGO Borg Cube model just to read the first comment on the page.
• Here's a nice looking shot of LEGO Borg minifigs.
• Jumo LEGO Yoda at a LEGO store (with Pick-a-Brick in the background!).
• Smaller LEGO Yoda.
• Of course, there's everybody's favorite LEGO Yoda in the gold bikini.
• LEGO William Shatner of old
• More recent LEGO William Shatner.

My 2004 Olympic Programming Rant

From the archives:

NBC: The official channel of Olympic gymnastics. Is it just me, or does it seem strange that after an entire day of Olympic competition, NBC decides to fill a quarter of their tape-delayed prime-time slot with exhibition gymnastics. Haven't we just watched gymnastics for like a week straight? Haven't all of the gymnastics medals been given out already? Aren't most of us sick of trying to figure out what the judges are looking at? In an entire Olympic games, you're telling me that the best Day 11 had to offer was a freakin' exhibition? COME ON!!! And don't give me this "female viewers are only interested in gymnastics and diving" crap. Half of the athletes our country sent are women. You think they all hurry through their (apparently uninteresting) events so they can get home and watch tape-delayed NBC footage of exhibition gymnastics? Somebody, stop this madness! I don't want Paul Hamm and Svetlana Khorkina in my living room anymore. Jeez...

Explanation: I just wanted to prove that my quadrennial Olympic television rant really is a quadrennial rant. This is my post from 2004. I'm still bitter.

Special Blog Bonus: Regardless of how bitter I am, it's always cool to see LEGO Olympic creations. Here's a Stormtrooper doing the clean and jerk:


You can tell it's the clean and jerk because of his hand position. Of course, LEGO figures can really have only one hand position, so they're pretty much incapable of doing the snatch. Then again, they're also made out of plastic, so maybe I should turn down my reality-meter a little bit. Here are more Stormtroopers competing in other events.

One Fish, Two Fish, Goldfish, Blue Fish

My nephew has a solid blue goldfish named Spot.

Explanation: There really isn't much to explain here. He insists that his blue fish is a goldfish. He named it Spot. You can't argue with a three-year-old. Incidentally, he's also very excited that the fish swims occasionally.

Special Blog Bonus: Well, let's see. What haven't I posted here yet... How about Darth Vader doing the Thriller dance with Storm Troopers?

A Tough Lesson

From the archives:

You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.

Source: This was one of my favorite horoscopes from The Onion way back when. I haven't been reading them lately, so they're all new to me! Oh joy! Here are a few I just stumbled upon:

• Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.
• Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
• You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
• The stars foresee a time of great vagueness and something or other in your future. Also, there will be a chair.
• Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.

You can see them all here.

Special Blog Bonus: This has nothing to do with anything (as usual) but it's important to know that the slumping economy touches everyone:

War, What Is It Good For?

From the archives:

Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy.

Source: This quote is the disclaimer from the end of the Bart the General episode of The Simpsons. Come to think of it, I haven't had a good Simpsons post in a long time.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Star Wars themed Simpsons intro:

There Can Be Only One

From the archives:

To Quicken addicts, the first of the month is like Christmas.

Explanation: My name is Jeremy, and I'm a Quicken addict. I'll refrain from going into any more explanation about my addiction in fear that you might think less of me than you already do, but it suffices to say that the first of the month is a great day, because you can punch in all of the interest you earned in the previous month. Of course, when the first of the month falls on a Sunday (like today) it's technically not as exciting because some end-of-month transactions (like paydays) have to happen on weekdays. Still, today is a good day for the Quickening.

Special Blog Bonus: So, in an ideal world, I'd be able to find some YouTube clip about Highlander that features vocals of the one and only Freddie Mercury. And in that ideal world, the clip would also involve LEGOs... and Darth Vader.

SALAD!!!

All I wanted was a freakin' salad. Is that too much to ask?

Explanation: Last night I wanted a salad for dinner. Not just any salad, mind you. I wanted to get one of those good salads with the bacon bits and ham cubes and cheese goodness that you can only build perfectly at a salad bar. At about 7:15 my wife and I set out to a grocery store that we haven't been to since new ownership took over. It turns out that they close up their salad bar pretty early. It also turns out that, after about a half hour there, neither my wife nor I will ever set foot in that store again, but that's a story for another day. A little after 8:00, we went to Wegman's, who always seems to do everything right. We had visited their salad bar recently and I was quite satisfied with the result. As we walked in, we saw the salad bar being disassembled for the night. OK, I could understand that. I decided to settle with a salad from Panera, which is in the same shopping center. You can always count on Panera. Good old trusty Panera. Hey, what does that sign say on the door? "WE ARE CLOSING AT 8:00 TONIGHT TO TRAIN EMPLOYEES ON A NEW MENU. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE." And what time is it? 8:11 PM.

It was about this point in the evening when my wife began to question whether I was being effected negatively by my poison ivy medication. Perhaps it was the litany of four-letter words that came out of my mouth. Maybe it had something to do with the curses I put upon several aggressive drivers on the way home (and their mothers). It might have had something to do with the whining she had to endure as I ate my nachos for dinner, which, if you were wondering, are not even remotely close to salad.

Regardless, I have now learned a valuable lesson. First, you can't count on getting a good salad when you want one in this town. Second, this whole ordeal was much more dramatic last night than it appears in this post. Luckily for you, I have a good video clip for you...

Special Blog Bonus: Here's Eddie Izzard's "Death By Tray" bit in LEGO:

Scary Appliances

No household appliance should remind you of a Stephen King book.

Any Guesses? Firestarter brand iron? Dark Towster? Our Insomnia brand coffee machine? A Misery electric can opener? Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redishwasher?

Explanation: Our bathroom scale has one visible word printed on it: "THINNER." So, every time I see it I imagine myself wasting away into nothingness because of a gypsy curse or something. While that may be the perfect imagery for most dieters, ballet dancers, and Hollywood actresses, I'm a little repulsed by the idea of being 6'6" and 75 pounds. Call me crazy.

Special Blog Bonus: I can't say I totally understand it, but you should still check out this photo collection of LEGO Stormtroopers. Frankly, I just find it amusing that LEGO makes the scary bad guys look cute.

Clark, I Am Your Father

Just for the record, I do not think Superman should be allowed to wield a lightsaber.

Explanation: Just a random thought from an incident on Thanksgiving weekend. The cardinality of the integers came up again, too - This time a google has been replaced by a googleplex as the largest number in existence. I had to go back and reread my letter to the four-year-olds of America... even though the offender is now five.

Special Blog Bonus: Not sure if I've posted this yet, but I love this clip about how Superman should have ended: