Oops.

Dear Kimberly,

I am sorry that I inadvertently sent the SWAT team to Kayla's slumber party and made you cry. I am sorry about the nightmares. It will never happen again.

Adrian Monk

Source: From Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy.

Explanation: Today's post comes courtesy of the typical police show, where the police consultant is learning how to use a computer and somehow sends an FBI-headed SWAT team to a little girl's slumber party in search of a serial killer. No big deal - just your run of the mill episode.

Special Blog Bonus: And, speaking of typical, here's Far Side on safari:

Vacation Day

Vacation Day Today - Be Back on Monday

Special Blog Bonus: Who started the fight, the chicken or the egg?

Baby Names

So, Jeremy++ and Linus are out as names. You think my wife will go for Perl or Ada?

Explanation: For those of you who get this, I'm sorry. For those of you who don't, these are all baby names based on computer stuff. See, if I was a bigger computer nerd, I would have pushed for names like this. Of course, if I was a bigger computer nerd, chances are pretty good that I never would have encountered a woman to marry and have a family with in the first place. So there you go.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side involving my worst nightmare: a safari and a coathanger. (OK, my worst nightmare actually involves a pack of hyenas as well, but let's not explore that too deeply.)

The Fraternal Order of Delta Hand

"So, you're dealt a hand, right?" "No, I'm Alpha Omicron Pi."

Explanation: Recently, I've been pondering a probability issue in poker. I attempted to explain it to my wife last night, resulting in the above conversation. Now, to her credit, she was joking, and it was so funny I left the room to go write it down. That pretty much ended our conversation, though. Things like this happen when you marry someone who was in a sorority.

Now Down To The Nitty-Gritty: My problem is this: In Texas Hold'Em, what is the probability that my starting hand will win against n other starting hands. For example, if you are dealt pocket aces and are playing heads up, you have about an 85% chance of beating a random hand.

It's easy to design an algorithm for this. For a given starting hand, iterate through all other possible starting hands (or combinations thereof) and generate all possible combinations of community cards for those starting hands, keeping track of the total wins for your starting hand and the total number of permutations considered. On my home machine, given the best algorithm I've come up with so far, I think I can perform this computation for n=1 for all possible starting hands in under a day. Last time I did this was a while ago, so I don't remember exactly how long it took, but I've done it before in a reasonable amount of time.

Using the same algorithm for n=2, however, increases the complexity to the point where it can take days to consider a single starting hand. There are 169 possible starting hands, so the computation for all possible starting hands cannot be completed in a reasonable amount of time. I need a better algorithm, and that's what I've been working on.

Special Blog Bonus: This problem mocks me, as the snake mocks the snake charmer* in this Far Side:


*Yeah, my segue is a stretch. So what? You try connecting a snake in Groucho glasses to a complex combinatorics problem.

Comcastic

My life is Comcastic.

Explanation: The short explanation is as follows:

Shovel + Home Cable Line = Disaster

There will be a much longer explanation, but at this point I have limited internet time so it will have to wait. Let's just say that I'm not happy with Comcast right now.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side depicting God's creation of Comcast:

Honk!

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but... HONK!

Explanation: I'm not trying to brag or anything, but when you've got it, you've got it. And I've got it. It's a little embarassing to be this good, but I manage. OK, I more than manage - I flourish. You can't stop me. You can't even hope to contain me. I am the greatest in all the land. Bring your finest meats and cheeses for all my people! The mustard is off the hot dog. I'm getting tired of making you look bad. It's hard work.

Special Blog Bonus: Hey, speaking of being exceptionally good at things, here's a Far Side depicting God on Jeopardy. OK, it's actually "Trivia Tonight," but let's face it - it should have been Jeopardy.

Beware of Doug

Beware of Doug.

Source: The source is this Far Side, which I find particularly amusing for some reason or another:



Explanation: Let's explore some famous Dougs throughout history, shall we? There's the Doug cartoon:


There's the magician Doug Henning:


There's the fictional Doug Heffernan from King of Queens:


There's the ever popular Doug E. Fresh:


Ummm... I'm already running out of Dougs. Oh, there was also former Redskins/Buccaneers quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Doug Williams:


OK, that's all the Dougs I could come up with. Beware of them!

Special Blog Bonus: You may notice that the salesman in the cartoon represents the ACME corporation. In case you were wondering, Fortune magazine lists ACME as the world's second largest fictional company. See the 2007 Forbes Fictional 15 for more details.

Teeth Are Overrated Anyway

Nothing beats waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about... dental work.

Explanation: The other night I woke up in the middle of the night thinking very clearly about dental work. I was not dreaming, unlike some other Jeremys. No, I was wide awake. It took me a few moments to realize why.

Last week I went in to have a filling replaced and walked out with a referral to an endodontist. I was not familiar with the word "endodontist" before last week. It's never a good thing when you walk out of a doctor's office with a new word. In this case, "endodontist" is from the Latin for "one who inflicts pain." It turns out my filling had cracked enough for a little cavity to form under there. As the dentist continued to drill down, the little cavity became bigger and bigger. Now I have a root canal scheduled for Wednesday. Even worse, he couldn't replace the filling, so I have to go back in a few weeks to have the filling done, after the root canal is deemed successful. This is just buckets of fun, I tell you. Buckets.

To hold me over until my root canal, my dentist gave me a temporary medicated filling. The tooth doesn't hurt, but late at night when the mint from my toothpaste wears off, it tastes like dental work. Oh, and I'm not supposed to chew on my right side until I get the new filling, so that's just wonderful. I'm already a slow eater. This doesn't help.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of not helping, here's a very appropriate Far Side about dentistry. I think it's safe to assume that the dentist is using a medicated temporary tennis ball here:

Don't Hurt Me... Yet.

Please refrain from violence until my insurance policy is finalized. Thank you.

Explanation: As a financially responsible adult, I finally did the right thing and applied for life insurance. Any financial advisor will tell you that life insurance is important to ensure that your loved ones can continue on in financial security in case of your unfortunate demise. I, on the other hand, don't like betting in the first place, and betting on my own death seems just freakin' stupid. So there you have it. Both sides of the argument.

Anyway, yesterday the nice lady from the insurance company came to our house and took our vitals along with blood samples, so now our application for an insurance policy can continue on toward completeness.* For those of you who were planning any sort of violent attack in my direction, I kindly ask that you refrain until I have the appropriate coverage.

Special Blog Bonus: I know I've run a lot of Far Side comics lately, but "God at His Computer" seems too appropriate to pass up:


*At least, I'm pretty sure she was the nice lady from the insurance company. If she wasn't, then who was she and why did she want my blood???**

**I won't even mention the other sample she took.

Last Day of School

The last day of school just seemed more exciting back when I actually got a summer vacation.

Explanation: Today is my wife's last day of school. Her students have been done since last Thursday, but in my household, let's face it - today is the big day. I get very excited about it. Hey, who doesn't get excited when school is out and summer vacation is beginning! All that free time, all that beautiful weather, it's like a three month blank slate with limitless potential... except for one thing:

I DON'T GET THE SUMMER OFF.

For the next three months, I get to be the first person to wake up in the morning. I get to sneak around the house before work so as not to wake anybody else up so they can be well-rested for... well... resting. See, this is where telecommuting stinks. Imagine spending three months at work where your officemate doesn't have any responsibilities. That's kind of what it's like.

Well, I should mention that she'll take care of a lot of household chores, inside and out, and shop for me and does all sorts of nice stuff, but the fact remains, I am at work and she isn't.

Special Blog Bonus: What could possibly cheer me up? How about some Far Side cows?


Yep. They always seem to do the trick.

Comcast 1, Jeremy 0

It's all fun and games until the cable goes out.

Explanation: The other morning I was watching Sportscenter and suddenly my cable went out. I was briefly frustrated, but then I just picked up my cereal bowl, moved to the table, and read the most recent Time magazine until I was done with breakfast. I had already seen the NBA Finals recap, so there wasn't really much left to the show anyway, other than a zillion boring baseball highlights.

Happy at my ability to adjust to the new situation, I went upstairs to get started with my work day. That's when the terror struck. I have a cable modem.

It's one thing if I can't see the exciting brawl between the Red Sox and Rays. It's another thing if I can't do my job. Unable to load the Google page (my standard evaluation of internet connectivity), I freaked out for a bit and then decided to check the television again to make sure the cable was out. I turned it on and sure enough, there was a picture again. Good news: The cable was back. Bad news: My computer didn't know it.

So, I began the 10 minute process of unplugging my cable modem, my telephone adapter (thanks to VOIP, I now have another link in the delicate chain of internet connectivity), and my router, plugging them back in one by one, and waiting. After ten minutes or so (and a reboot of my home machine), I had connectivity.

At this point, I might be tempted to complain that if Comcast spent a little more time maintaining my service and a little less time calling me three times a week to offer me their Triple Play package, maybe I'd be a little happier with their company. But, I won't. I'm a bigger person than that.

Special Blog Bonus: Moving right along, here's a Far Side comic for you:

Beware of Falling Leopards

Better learn not to talk to me. You shake the tree, a leopard's gonna fall out on you.

Source: Kobe Bryant after game 2 against the Denver Nuggets in the first round of the 2008 NBA playoffs. Apparently Bryant took offense to the trash talk by Denver players.

Explanation: None necessary. I just like the image of somebody shaking a tree and a leopard falling on them.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side to help get you through your day:

Right By the Mirror Where You Like It, Sir

Narcissus, party of one, your table is now available.

Explanation: This is probably more amusing to me than it will be to you, but it just seems to me that somebody who is narcissistic would rather eat with their favorite person. And who is more narcissistic than anyone? Narcissus, of course.

Special Blog Bonus: In honor of my parents' dog Emma, who is coming to visit us this weekend, here's a Far Side comic:

Yeah, That's Right, You Blouse-Wearing Poodle Walker

Bonjourrrrrrr, you cheese eating surrender monkeys!

Source: From The Simpsons episode Round Springfield, where budget cuts at Springfield Elementary School forced Groundskeeper Willie to teach a French class.

Explanation: Today's message is a long-distance dedication from Steve in Poughkeepsie to his favorite person from Surrenderville, Europe.

Special Blog Bonus: I am always amused by the selection of ads that appear on my blog, but today's was really worth mentioning. Apparently, my site is an ideal place to advertise for shoes that increase your height.* OK, I'll admit it. I've been "lifting". I wear them to boost myself up to 6'8".

Here's a Far Side to help you forget about your altitude deficiency:


Important Scheduling Note: At 3pm today, the New York Yankees play at Virginia Tech. You can see the game live here.

*For those of you keeping track at home, my advertisers think you are a short single Christian who likes Napoleon Dynamite.

Margin of Error = +/- 100%

43 percent of all statistics are made up.

Explanation: It's true! I read this as the result of a study, which also surveyed a large number of statisticians and found that 45 percent of them are liars. The study also demonstrated that 81 percent of study findings are incorrect.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of studies, here is a Far Side for you:

Reflection on Genuflection

People just don't genuflect like they used to.

Explanation: The other day I heard the word "genuflect" used and I realized that it has been a long time since I've heard it before. Frankly, I think the world is going to pot and people should really be showing more reverence than they do. I can't remember the last time I was bowed to. What's the deal, people? Do I not deserve the simple respect of being bowed to and called "Your Majesty" or "Your Highness"? How about "Your Holy Statusness"? I have a ring. You may kiss it if you wish. All I'm asking for is a little respect. Yeah baby. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take care, TCB. Oh, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, a little respect. Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, whoa babe, just a little bit. A little respect, just a little bit. I get tired just a little bit. Keep on trying just a little bit. You're running out of foolin' just a little bit. And I ain't lyin' just a little bit. The world would be more special if more people would genuflect once in a while. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinemann boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to Kaye Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard. This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have ... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Special Blog Bonus: Don't get it? Neither do I! Let's just have a good laugh and enjoy a Far Side about cows:

Safety, Shmafety

"Keep Kids Alive, Go 25"? Nah. I'd rather make things sporty.

Source: As I drove home from the elementary school where voting took place yesterday, I saw a house on the same street with a homemade "Keep Kids Alive, Go 25" sign on their front lawn. The street winds through a neighborhood and has an elementary school on it, but also is the most direct route between two busy local roads (Church Road and Church Street, coincidentally). I can understand that local residents are concerned about the speed of through traffic, but those signs still tend annoy me.

My original thought was actually that I could keep the kids "alerty", but forty was a much more comfortable speed, anyway.

Special Blog Bonus: Feeling let down after Super Sunday and Super Tuesday? Well, we at Jeremy's Status Message know the cure to what ails you. Here's a Far Side with a duck. What could be better?


Fun Link of the Day: 111 years ago yesterday, Indiana almost passed a bill adopting 3.2 to be the exact value of π (pi). Go Indiana!

An Unusually Stable Market

Oddly, the company stock price didn't change at all yesterday.

Explanation: Usually, on a federal holiday, I totally forget that it's a federal holiday, but yesterday was different. Even though I was working, I remembered that there was no mail delivery. In fact, I was quite excited at the possibility that my wife might ask if the mail had come so I could show how smart I was that I knew it was a federal holiday. I was so smart, I could barely contain myself.

Meanwhile, all day I was checking the stock price on the company intranet and was pleasantly surprised each time that it was up $2.30. Each time. Never did it occur to me that the time next to the price was last Friday at 4:00 PM.

Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and forget about the whole market thing and start laughing at the people in my neighborhood who put their trash out last night, even though collection was postponed until Wednesday due to the holiday. Suckers!

Special Blog Bonus: It's been a while since I ran a comic, so here's a Far Side for you: