A Rhetorical Haiku, Of Course

Friday has arrived.
No rhetorical questions.
How will we go on?

Explanation: It's Haiku Friday! With Evil Jeremy out of town, what on earth will we do without Rhetorical Friday? How can we possibly start our weekend without this mainstay of our Friday routine? How could he do this to us?

Should I even dignify this drivel with a response?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Can we talk about toasters now?

No. I will, however, encourage you to check out this xkcd from the other day. It has nothing to do with toasters, but it was really funny.


Now, turn off your computer and get busy enjoying the unofficial start of summer. Have a wonderful long weekend, everybody! See you on Tuesday.

Oops.

Dear Kimberly,

I am sorry that I inadvertently sent the SWAT team to Kayla's slumber party and made you cry. I am sorry about the nightmares. It will never happen again.

Adrian Monk

Source: From Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy.

Explanation: Today's post comes courtesy of the typical police show, where the police consultant is learning how to use a computer and somehow sends an FBI-headed SWAT team to a little girl's slumber party in search of a serial killer. No big deal - just your run of the mill episode.

Special Blog Bonus: And, speaking of typical, here's Far Side on safari:

Vacation Day

Vacation Day Today - Be Back on Monday

Special Blog Bonus: Who started the fight, the chicken or the egg?

Baby Names

So, Jeremy++ and Linus are out as names. You think my wife will go for Perl or Ada?

Explanation: For those of you who get this, I'm sorry. For those of you who don't, these are all baby names based on computer stuff. See, if I was a bigger computer nerd, I would have pushed for names like this. Of course, if I was a bigger computer nerd, chances are pretty good that I never would have encountered a woman to marry and have a family with in the first place. So there you go.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side involving my worst nightmare: a safari and a coathanger. (OK, my worst nightmare actually involves a pack of hyenas as well, but let's not explore that too deeply.)

The Fraternal Order of Delta Hand

"So, you're dealt a hand, right?" "No, I'm Alpha Omicron Pi."

Explanation: Recently, I've been pondering a probability issue in poker. I attempted to explain it to my wife last night, resulting in the above conversation. Now, to her credit, she was joking, and it was so funny I left the room to go write it down. That pretty much ended our conversation, though. Things like this happen when you marry someone who was in a sorority.

Now Down To The Nitty-Gritty: My problem is this: In Texas Hold'Em, what is the probability that my starting hand will win against n other starting hands. For example, if you are dealt pocket aces and are playing heads up, you have about an 85% chance of beating a random hand.

It's easy to design an algorithm for this. For a given starting hand, iterate through all other possible starting hands (or combinations thereof) and generate all possible combinations of community cards for those starting hands, keeping track of the total wins for your starting hand and the total number of permutations considered. On my home machine, given the best algorithm I've come up with so far, I think I can perform this computation for n=1 for all possible starting hands in under a day. Last time I did this was a while ago, so I don't remember exactly how long it took, but I've done it before in a reasonable amount of time.

Using the same algorithm for n=2, however, increases the complexity to the point where it can take days to consider a single starting hand. There are 169 possible starting hands, so the computation for all possible starting hands cannot be completed in a reasonable amount of time. I need a better algorithm, and that's what I've been working on.

Special Blog Bonus: This problem mocks me, as the snake mocks the snake charmer* in this Far Side:


*Yeah, my segue is a stretch. So what? You try connecting a snake in Groucho glasses to a complex combinatorics problem.

Comcastic

My life is Comcastic.

Explanation: The short explanation is as follows:

Shovel + Home Cable Line = Disaster

There will be a much longer explanation, but at this point I have limited internet time so it will have to wait. Let's just say that I'm not happy with Comcast right now.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side depicting God's creation of Comcast:

Honk!

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but... HONK!

Explanation: I'm not trying to brag or anything, but when you've got it, you've got it. And I've got it. It's a little embarassing to be this good, but I manage. OK, I more than manage - I flourish. You can't stop me. You can't even hope to contain me. I am the greatest in all the land. Bring your finest meats and cheeses for all my people! The mustard is off the hot dog. I'm getting tired of making you look bad. It's hard work.

Special Blog Bonus: Hey, speaking of being exceptionally good at things, here's a Far Side depicting God on Jeopardy. OK, it's actually "Trivia Tonight," but let's face it - it should have been Jeopardy.

Beware of Doug

Beware of Doug.

Source: The source is this Far Side, which I find particularly amusing for some reason or another:



Explanation: Let's explore some famous Dougs throughout history, shall we? There's the Doug cartoon:


There's the magician Doug Henning:


There's the fictional Doug Heffernan from King of Queens:


There's the ever popular Doug E. Fresh:


Ummm... I'm already running out of Dougs. Oh, there was also former Redskins/Buccaneers quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Doug Williams:


OK, that's all the Dougs I could come up with. Beware of them!

Special Blog Bonus: You may notice that the salesman in the cartoon represents the ACME corporation. In case you were wondering, Fortune magazine lists ACME as the world's second largest fictional company. See the 2007 Forbes Fictional 15 for more details.

Cosas que vale la pena descubrir

Azuzado por el anterior post, me he puesto a hacer una lista de aquellas cosas -muchas raras, algunas muy raras- que vale la pena descubrir.

- El cine de Kinji Fukasaku, especialmente su extensísima filmografía de pelis sobre la Yakuza japonesa. Fukasaku es un grande dentro de los más grandes del cine japonés; ojalá algún día se le reconozca.

- Los tebeos de la E.C. Esto creo que es menos raro, ya que hay poca gente que no conozca la cabecera "Tales from the Crypt".... lo que a lo mejor no sabéis que es que todo ese material está publicado por Planeta dentro de su sello "Grandes del cómic" y repartidos en colecciones como "Clásicos del suspense".

- Los tebeos de Alex Raymond, tanto esa obra maestra del Pin-Up que es "Rip Kirby" como ese clásico llamado "Flash Gordon" (un personaje que va mucho más allá de la payasada fílmica que se perpetró con música de Queen)- La trilogía de la guerra de André Wajda. Me sorprende encontrar gente que no ha visto pelis como "Cenizas y diamantes" o "Kanal"... cine europeo del bueno, del de antes, aquel en el que uno soltaba la lágrima sin gafapastadas.

- "Yo soy la Juani" y "Teresa, el cuerpo de Cristo". Por diferentes razones: La primera por ser puesta a parir por todo el mundo sin haberla visto. La segunda, por ser la mejor película española del año pasado.

- "Pafman". Una creación de Joaquim Cera (coautor de "Los Xungis" y entintador de alguno de los últimos "Zipi y Zape") que ha quedado algo oculta en la historia del cómic español, quizá por culpa de cierto parecido temático con "Superlópez".
- "Primer amor y otros pesares". Un libro de Harold Brodkey que es de lo mejor que ha pasado por mis manos en años; está publicado en Anagrama aunque es difícil de localizar.

- "Dan Dare, piloto del futuro", la respuesta británica a Flash Gordon o Buck Rogers no desmerece en nada a sus colegas norteamericanos.

- Thomas Pynchon. Un autor no muy conocido en nuestro país pese a haber aparecido dos veces en los Simpsons. Un año de estos le dan el Nobel.

- El museu del cinema de Girona, porque no se le hace la publicidad que se debiera y es toda una joya de la que tenemos que sentirnos orgullosos. He ido dos veces y la segunda tuve el privilegio de que Tomás Mallol (el coleccionista detrás el museo) me fuese explicando una a una las piezas.

- "Esa cosa llamada amor", una peli de Bogdanovich de la que nunca se habla. Roza la cursilería por momentos, pero ver a River Phoenix, Sandra Bullock, Samantha Mathis y Dermot Mulroney homenajeando a "El hombre que mató a Liberty Valance" en versión country, no tiene precio.

Teeth Are Overrated Anyway

Nothing beats waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about... dental work.

Explanation: The other night I woke up in the middle of the night thinking very clearly about dental work. I was not dreaming, unlike some other Jeremys. No, I was wide awake. It took me a few moments to realize why.

Last week I went in to have a filling replaced and walked out with a referral to an endodontist. I was not familiar with the word "endodontist" before last week. It's never a good thing when you walk out of a doctor's office with a new word. In this case, "endodontist" is from the Latin for "one who inflicts pain." It turns out my filling had cracked enough for a little cavity to form under there. As the dentist continued to drill down, the little cavity became bigger and bigger. Now I have a root canal scheduled for Wednesday. Even worse, he couldn't replace the filling, so I have to go back in a few weeks to have the filling done, after the root canal is deemed successful. This is just buckets of fun, I tell you. Buckets.

To hold me over until my root canal, my dentist gave me a temporary medicated filling. The tooth doesn't hurt, but late at night when the mint from my toothpaste wears off, it tastes like dental work. Oh, and I'm not supposed to chew on my right side until I get the new filling, so that's just wonderful. I'm already a slow eater. This doesn't help.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of not helping, here's a very appropriate Far Side about dentistry. I think it's safe to assume that the dentist is using a medicated temporary tennis ball here:

Well, the Lama Does Dilly-Dally

Some silly Sallies dilly-dally like the Lama.

Source: Wild Kingdom by the 2 Skinnee J's.

Explanation: Why am I posting Skinnees lyrics? Two reasons. First, I have an insane amount of stuff to do today and no time to come up with something better. Second, today is 7/16, which makes it two days until 7/18, which is the official date of all things Skinnee. So there you go. Need to hear something more creative? Ask Nihad why he's half Italian.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a comic for you to make up for my lack of creativity:

He Had His Own Bible, Too

Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do, we do! Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do, We do! Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do, we do! Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do, We Do, We do!

Source: This is the Stonecutters' song from the Simpsons.

Explanation: As I was flipping through the channels this morning, I stumbled across the fine piece of cinema that is Police Academy IV. Like any sane movie viewer, I started to ponder why exactly Steve Guttenberg was a star in that film. Then I remembered this song.



Special Blog Bonus: Mr. Jellyfish can thank the Stonecutters for this as well:

My Subconscious Is Getting Smarter

According to my subconscious, there is now a bill that's actually worth 1/8 of $10. Consider yourself warned.

Explanation: So, last night I had a very involved dream. When I woke up immediately afterward, the whole thing was vividly in my head. One part I distinctly remember was receiving change for something, where I was due $18.25 and I received the change entirely in bills. There were $17 in normal denominations and then there was a bill with an "8" on it which represented 1/8 of $10. I have no idea why, but it did. I remember waking up and thinking, "Wow! I never get the math right in my dreams!" Apparently, my subconscious is getting smarter.

Anyway, this morning all I can remember is that I got the math right. This xkcd sums it up:

Can They Do the Mashed Potato?

Dancing Space Potatoes? You Bet!

Source: This is one of the tag lines under the first screen in the Futurama intro. Did you miss the episode with dancing space potatoes? Too bad for you. Other lines include:

• Mr. Bender's Wardrobe by ROBOTANY 500
• Condemned by the Space Pope
• This Episode Has Been Modified To Fit Your Primitive Screen
• As Foretold by Nostradamus
• Coming Soon To an Illegal DVD
• 80% Entertainment By Volume

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a comic for you:

Don't Hurt Me... Yet.

Please refrain from violence until my insurance policy is finalized. Thank you.

Explanation: As a financially responsible adult, I finally did the right thing and applied for life insurance. Any financial advisor will tell you that life insurance is important to ensure that your loved ones can continue on in financial security in case of your unfortunate demise. I, on the other hand, don't like betting in the first place, and betting on my own death seems just freakin' stupid. So there you have it. Both sides of the argument.

Anyway, yesterday the nice lady from the insurance company came to our house and took our vitals along with blood samples, so now our application for an insurance policy can continue on toward completeness.* For those of you who were planning any sort of violent attack in my direction, I kindly ask that you refrain until I have the appropriate coverage.

Special Blog Bonus: I know I've run a lot of Far Side comics lately, but "God at His Computer" seems too appropriate to pass up:


*At least, I'm pretty sure she was the nice lady from the insurance company. If she wasn't, then who was she and why did she want my blood???**

**I won't even mention the other sample she took.

Last Day of School

The last day of school just seemed more exciting back when I actually got a summer vacation.

Explanation: Today is my wife's last day of school. Her students have been done since last Thursday, but in my household, let's face it - today is the big day. I get very excited about it. Hey, who doesn't get excited when school is out and summer vacation is beginning! All that free time, all that beautiful weather, it's like a three month blank slate with limitless potential... except for one thing:

I DON'T GET THE SUMMER OFF.

For the next three months, I get to be the first person to wake up in the morning. I get to sneak around the house before work so as not to wake anybody else up so they can be well-rested for... well... resting. See, this is where telecommuting stinks. Imagine spending three months at work where your officemate doesn't have any responsibilities. That's kind of what it's like.

Well, I should mention that she'll take care of a lot of household chores, inside and out, and shop for me and does all sorts of nice stuff, but the fact remains, I am at work and she isn't.

Special Blog Bonus: What could possibly cheer me up? How about some Far Side cows?


Yep. They always seem to do the trick.

Comcast 1, Jeremy 0

It's all fun and games until the cable goes out.

Explanation: The other morning I was watching Sportscenter and suddenly my cable went out. I was briefly frustrated, but then I just picked up my cereal bowl, moved to the table, and read the most recent Time magazine until I was done with breakfast. I had already seen the NBA Finals recap, so there wasn't really much left to the show anyway, other than a zillion boring baseball highlights.

Happy at my ability to adjust to the new situation, I went upstairs to get started with my work day. That's when the terror struck. I have a cable modem.

It's one thing if I can't see the exciting brawl between the Red Sox and Rays. It's another thing if I can't do my job. Unable to load the Google page (my standard evaluation of internet connectivity), I freaked out for a bit and then decided to check the television again to make sure the cable was out. I turned it on and sure enough, there was a picture again. Good news: The cable was back. Bad news: My computer didn't know it.

So, I began the 10 minute process of unplugging my cable modem, my telephone adapter (thanks to VOIP, I now have another link in the delicate chain of internet connectivity), and my router, plugging them back in one by one, and waiting. After ten minutes or so (and a reboot of my home machine), I had connectivity.

At this point, I might be tempted to complain that if Comcast spent a little more time maintaining my service and a little less time calling me three times a week to offer me their Triple Play package, maybe I'd be a little happier with their company. But, I won't. I'm a bigger person than that.

Special Blog Bonus: Moving right along, here's a Far Side comic for you:

You Know You're a Nerd When

You know you're a nerd when you check the FedEx website to see if your package was delivered instead of walking to the front door and checking the porch.

Explanation: Well, let me first mention that I got an email last week saying that something I ordered was being shipped. Excited about my impending delivery, I immediately checked the tracking site only to discover that it had actually been shipped two days before and was already on the truck for delivery. I love it when that happens!

After a workout and quick shower at lunchtime, knowing that I might have missed the doorbell, I checked the FedEx website to see if my delivery had come yet. It hadn't, but after I checked their site I realized that I could have gone and checked the front door, instead.

This reminds me of the time I was in college and had a service emailing me the daily weather. My family came to visit, and when asked what it was like outside, I went to my computer to check my email. My sister went to the window and looked. I still argue that I gathered more information from my email (high/low temperatures, forecast) than she did from her observation (current conditions), but I really can't argue against my nerdiness.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are two important reminders on how to turn off that pesky computer from Bloom County and the Banana Jr. 6000:

Another Journey Into Jeremy's Subconscious

When dreaming about rebounding, it is important to not box out one's wife.

Explanation: Every once in a while, I have a sports-related dream. This morning, I dreamed that I was playing in a basketball game, which is interesting, because I've played actual real games of basketball maybe 10 times in the past 10 years. Anyway, my team was heavily favored in the game and as a result, the referees were letting the other team get away with some obvious fouls. At one point, I grabbed a rebound and went back up for the easy shot, only to have a player on the other team wrap his arms around me so I couldn't get my shot off. The referee chose not to call anything, so I opted instead to violently remove the player from my body. Unfortunately, my attempt at a judo-throw somehow crossed mental wires from my subconscious to actual real live motor-control. Next thing I know, I'm wide awake, bolt upright, and about to launch a pillow across the bedroom. Let's just say that my wife was more than a little startled by this.

Special Blog Bonus: xkcd has had a thing or two to say about dreams as well:

Beware of Falling Leopards

Better learn not to talk to me. You shake the tree, a leopard's gonna fall out on you.

Source: Kobe Bryant after game 2 against the Denver Nuggets in the first round of the 2008 NBA playoffs. Apparently Bryant took offense to the trash talk by Denver players.

Explanation: None necessary. I just like the image of somebody shaking a tree and a leopard falling on them.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side to help get you through your day: