Tips from the Road Trip Queen

**after posting this, I realized I neglected to emphasize: I WILL BE DOING THIS ALL BY MYSELF. Now, read on, appreciating me appropriately, please.**

Do: go to the Dollar Store and buy tons of $1 toys and books to give to kids every few hours so they have new stuff to play with.

Do: fore go your McDonald's weekly lunch date when you realize that you will be eating three meals at McDonald's tomorrow, because you'd rather gag down that food while your kids burn a bunch of energy on the GermTower/play equipment.

Do: buy a bunch of snacks because you'd rather have them eat in the car and play at the stops.

Don't: eat these snacks yourself, as you will be burning NO calories sitting on your rear end all day.

Don't: feel guilty when you do anyway, because a mom must have some small pleasures in this hellish trip.

Do: dream of the day when you will have an in-car DVD system instead of your bungee-corded, ancient mini TV/VCR that only works with the remote, because soda was spilled on it.

Do: wish for that DVD player again, when you head to the library to rent videos and realize they are truly phasing them out and all you have left are OOOOLD movies.

Do: download the following books so you can drown out arguing kids all the way to California:

Don't: Ever make a bathroom stop. Really. If they've been potty-trained for a year, they can hold it. Trust me.

Do: Make the unscheduled bathroom stop in the middle of the field while trucks whiz by so it's EXTRA un-appealing.

Don't: Worry about how many times your 2 oldest kids unbuckle to open drinks, clean up spills and shake a toy in front of the youngest 2.

Do: Thank Heaven for those oldest kids.

Do: Get a major oil change and say yes to every suggestion the guy makes because you are terrified of your van breaking down while you are all by yourself in the middle of Oregon.

Don't: Speed in Oregon. I am speaking from multiple experiences here.

Do: bring along some Mountain Dew and be thankful you never drink it normally, because that stuff is magical when your body is not used to it. You'll need it around 1pm when you are normally napping at home.

Don't: Allow your kids to pack for themselves. They are not aware of what constitutes cute-showing-off-your-kids vacation clothes. They will pick old soccer T-Shirts if you leave it up to them.

Do: Plan all your stuff in one stop. You eat, gas and pee ALL AT THE SAME STOP. Kids always have to pee, even when they say they don't. Make them.

Don't: worry that you have no stereo and wonder what in the heck you are going to do when they are all whining and crying and you really really want to blast some Gwen Stefani to get them to pipe down.

Do: be thankful you have a husband waiting for you who will clean out the car (because he's a little OCD) and will like the kids (because he hasn't seen them for 3 days).

Do: be thankful that so many fun relatives (and blog friends) are waiting to see you during your trip.

Do: check in soon to see if I survived!