Sweater Whether

Jessica proudly displaying her persuasion abilities, last Saturday night.

Every winter the question resurfaces … whether to sweater. As Jessica and I browse for some gay apparel the inevitable suggestion comes, “What about that sweater?” A flash of the neatly folded pile on the top-corner shelf of our bedroom closet rushes to mind. That is where I keep my stash … my sweater stash. The pile is actually only 3 deep now thanks to last year’s donation to the local Goodwill. I won’t disclose how many of Spokane’s less fortunate are truly less fortunate due to their wives’ undoubtedly bringing home a recent sweater find.

I could sense Jessica’s eyes wandering to the sweaters as I rummaged through the T-shirt table. I had hoped that by somehow projecting exuberance over one of the graphic Ts, I could stave off the suggestion of a sweater. All to no avail.

I do enjoy one aspect of the suggestion. My favorite part of the discussion is how as I try it on Jessica will suddenly become surprisingly amorous telling me how good the sweater looks on. As a novice, I used to believe the sweater’s effect would be re-enacted each and every time I wore the sweater. Thirty bucks seemed a very fair price for such a commodity. Yet time has schooled me in the sad lesson that the initial sweater response is replayed at most three times and in rapidly decreasing degrees.

#1 In the store – wide eyes, big smile, lots of extra touching, accelerated breathing, it looks sexy on you, oohs&aahs, etc. etc. (this actually continues for as long as I deliberate on the purchase … sometimes I will take a little extra time and bask in the attention).
#2 Date Night – “That sweater looks “nice” on you.”
#3 A few weeks later – “Um, can you scoot away a bit, that sweater is kind of itchy".

I have also learned that the sweater is only to be worn on date night. Sweaters seem to invite taunts from male friends. This is due to the fact most men understand the psychology behind the purchase of one. Sweaters aren’t really comfortable, and they aren’t versatile. I suppose if you are cold they might be okay, but I get cold about twice a year.

This is why my stash is the only pile in my closet that remains neatly folded, because we all know that after wearing it twice... the magic is gone.